User blog:CoyoteDork/"Desperate Housewives" Character Ranking
Hello this is CoyoteDoge bringing you a totally logical blog that makes one hundred percent sense to be on this wiki cos I'm too lazy to do it at the proper wiki. Haiii. Imma rank MAH top 80 characters from Desperate Housewives...and yes I tried to be totally as objective as possible...although I didn't include characters I don't remember much about cos then that just wouldn't be fair. So yas the top 80 DH characters that I remember ranked as objectively as I frickin can! :3 I may never finish this so if I give up on making paragraphs for each of these worthless characters I'll just finish by adding names cos fuck it. 80. Paige Scavo I will start off with the biggest abomination to ever come from Desperate Housewives even though it came from the most beautiful character on the show. Paige Scavo, like any other baby born midway through a series (without purpose) is to be despised by me. And low and behold she held no purpose...it's not like Snow and Charming wanting a second chance at parenthood...Tom and Lynette already had FOUR children. Why did they feel the need to give them a fifth? It's not like they were low on storylines for Lynette and needed her to create some drama because Paige NEVER appeared like EVER. It was just a boring and less fun repeat of Lynette and Penny in seasons 1-4. However, I will give it to Paige that the miscarriage storyline was awesome and provided us with some amazing scenes from Felicity, but to be honest I shouldn't even be thanking Paige. Patrick is the one that died. Fuck you Paige. I wish you died too. Useless demon. I mean look at her. She's disgusting. So yah I hate babies. 79. Alex Cominis So I'm going to be honest, I don't really remember much about this character, but I guess that's fair enough since he was only in six episodes and was a side character of a side character... so of course he wouldn't get much focus. But I do remember enough about him for him to be included on this rank (unlike the likes of Ed and Bradley). I remember he was nice, right? He was nice wasn't he? Well that's all he pretty much had going for him. I know he did porn once, that was a fun story. Yay Bob did things. Alex had a cute little relationship with Andrew that he kind of deserved. However...they simply brought Alex back to ruin the relationship and give Andrew an unhappy ending. Why couldn't they just stick together?! It was an unnecessary ending for a perfectly fine couple that could have gone on living their days happily. Bah. 78. Ellie Leonard Looking back, I don't really understand the purpose of Ellie. Sure she had a fun little arc with Gabrielle - being accuse of being a hooker - which of course was good fun as we got to see Lee "act straight". But really, I just don't get why she was a thing...and it was so random how at the last second she got caught up in Katherine and Wayne's drama. She just didn't tie into anything and she practically had her own useless mini story which nobody cared about. She is about as useless as Alex Cominis in my eyes, the only reason she ranks above him is because her death at least made me feel a little bit bad for her. Alex's ending just made me want to punch a baby. Where's Paige? 77. Maxine Rosen Obviously Maxine was an entertaining character who provided us with some fun stories, but she was also kind of the cause of Susan's most shameful storylines ever...her becoming an internet porn star. Although that was an entertaining story that gave us some juicy and suspenseful moments, but it was a bit unrealistic in my mind... Susan just doesn't strike me as the type of person to go into porn. Anyway, enough about Susan. Yes, yes, Maxine was a funny character and all...but she was also kind of a bit of a horrible person, right? I mean the woman had no problem exploiting her own daughter's body on the internet for creepy perverts...and she allowed Susan's picture to be put up on a poster without her consent. Which by the way, surely Susan had to POSE for the picture?! I never really got why she was so shocked to see it. Also, is advertising porn sites like, legal in public places? Meh, anyway, yeah. Maxine was entertaining but a bad, bad person. 76. Mona Clarke In my opinion, Mona should be a little bit higher than this purely for the fact that she was around from practically the beginning. She appeared in season one and throughout numerous other seasons, simply as a typical soccer mom with no character to her whatsoever. But then season six came along... and they totally ruined her. They just made her a remorseless villain thirsty for money, which by the way did she really need? She lived on freakin' Wisteria Lane... it's not like she's hard for cash. Her villainous side was just so out of the blue...she's an average mother and a nurse who helps people daily, why would she want to ruin someone's lives? I guess it is interesting to see that almost anyone is capable of being the bad guy...but in this case, it kind of flopped. So yeah, she became a dumb side story for Angie's pathetic mystery. Also how dumb is she for not noticing a crashing plane heading straight towards her? And how awful is Angie for not warning her... she just quietly ran away. Angie you're a douche. Mona you're a sweetheart and they corrupted your little heart! Rest in peace child. 75. Ben Faulkner Ok, I really have nothing to say about Ben. Upon hearing of this new character that was going to show up on the lane with an apparent teenage daughter, I was excited for a new little mystery to happen in the last season. Proper Desperate Housewives style. However the teenage daughter thing never happened and what we were left with was Ben Faulkner. The most useless piece of shit character ever. He did nothing, didn't get his own arc. Nothing. Why was he main? I'll never know. Sure it's nice that he wound up being Renee's husband, she deserved to be happy with someone in the end...I guess. But it's stupid that HIS wedding got so much focus in the finale. Just...ew. Ben is a pathetic piece of dogshite that should have never become main. He wasn't thrilling, he wasn't funny, he wasn't even all that nice. Fuck off thanks. But yeah, he ranks above the other characters cos he at least did a few things and he was main...so yeah. He's here cos of mainie royalty. Oh yeah I also forgot, he led to the death of Mike Delfino! OMG! 74. Mitzi Kinsky I really won't spend long talking about this character, because there's not really much to say. She was a fun trashy piece of shit that I adore with all of my heart. It's a shame that she got written off into character limbo, because I really, really enjoyed her appearances. I spent most of season eight waiting for her return...sadly it only came in the form of jam. So yeah, a fun nasty bitch who I hope lots of other people enjoyed. She ranks above Ben because she was actually entertaining. Fuck you Ben :) 73. Sam Allen I truly feel sorry for Sam...I truly do. As cheesy and sucky as it was introducing a secret son of long deceased Rex was, I kind of enjoyed him as a villain. I certainly didn't see it coming, I honestly believed he had good intentions and I really loved his scenes with Bree. They were so sweet together... He wasn't the biggest or the baddest villain, all he wanted was money he felt entitled to because his scumbag father didn't stick around. Which is fair enough...living in low conditions is awful, but seeing your father living a rich and luxurious life with his other family must have been so painful for Sam. So I like him, he was a nice little villain that wasn't so over the top. But lol, was he ever caught? I don't really remember... I think he got away with it. Yay Sam! 72. Bob Hunter I think most fans will agree when it's said Bob isn't a very good character, he was simply the lesser fun gay partner in the couple. When he and Lee split up nobody gave a fuck about Bob, Lee got all the lovin' and support! And wasn't it Lee's fault that they broke up anyway? Moo. I like that Bob kept popping up as people's lawyer, that was nice. But not nice enough to rank him higher. Yeah that's pretty much all I have to say about Bob, he never really had a story to comment on. Just him and Lee stuff, and Lee always got the attention. Fucking bitch, Bob is hotter. Yay Bob the flipper. 71. Nick Bolen Nick you're such a creeper but the reason you're higher than people on this list is cos you were KINDA an intriguing character. I'm sure everyone else finds it vomatriscious that you and Julie fucked...shudder. I really enjoyed the whole "who strangled Julie" storyline, but since it wasn't you that did it, can't really give you credit... But you have to admit that Nick is a good guy, takes a real man to step up and take care of a child...especially one who is being hunted down by a psychopathic serial killer. Good on you, Nick, you're a doll. Hmm, what else did he do. He got run over, prolly should have died. Might have made the ending to the season six story sadder, but meh. 70. Benjamin Katz Meh, granted, Benjamin Katz himself was not a very interesting character - he was just an average kid. But he was sweet and cute, nothing like the infuriating MJ, so props to him. The reason Ben is ranked so high is because of the stories he created. Sending Danielle away to live in "Sweden" or wherever it was supposed to be and Bree pretending to be pregnant is one of my favourite storylines, it's just so cute :3 The fork in the belly and the halloween party when Danielle gives birth and shit. Pretty funny shit. But also the scene when Danielle decides to give up Benjamin is one of my favourites...very raw - some very good acting from Joy Lauren. Then he got his foreskin cut off lal. Aaaaand then Danielle comes back and stole Ben off of Bree, which was some more good acting, this time from Marcia. Moo, yeah, to summarise Ben = Boring. Ben's stories = TV Gold. Category:Blog posts